How Crazy Can Shinsuke Nakamura Get with Picking a Stipulation?

Shinsuke Nakamura considers his options for the big WWE Championship fight against AJ Styles. Courtesy of WWE

By Matthew Klink (@klinkmatt)

5/16/2018

This past Tuesday we, as the WWE Universe, witnessed a very rare occurrence. A non-title match in the middle of a WWE Championship feud (between Shinsuke Nakamura and AJ Styles). It was weird because it was on an episode of SmackDown Live, but also because the victor would be allowed to select any stipulation for the upcoming championship match at Money in the Bank.

This obviously feels like a pit stop for a feud that ultimately will culminate at SummerSlam. The hatred has built up over the last month and a half due to Nakamura’s new signature move: the nut punch. Just like the DDT, it has been perfected by others in the past, but it’s that Shinsuke spin, by adding that crazy enthusiastic battle cry that goes on for what feels like…minutes, that makes it his own. This is proof that the WWE is willing to go outside the box - and straight to the bag - for this battle to get some added juice and spice.

Since we need the feud to continue for a few more months, I think that Nakamura and the WWE creative should get even MORE creative with their stipulations. Here are a few options for the WWE to consider:

The Metal Cup match

Nakamura gets the better of AJ Styles' twigs and berries.

Something I think we have all jokingly mentioned to our friends since Nakamura won. The Metal Cup match will ensure that both Superstars can wrestle the entire match without worrying about their pride and joys turning into Almond Joys.

This would be similar to those silly matches where Edge couldn’t use the Spear or Shawn Michaels not being able to use Sweet Chin Music. Even though Nakamura is owning the “Nut Punch” as his own finisher, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind having the option of a few more kids by the end of his career.

I also like the potential for storyline in the match. The accidental nut punches. The tug of war on your opponent’s cup. Whipping your opponent nuts-first into the corner. The false nut punch, demonstrated by Nakamura to win this bout on Smackdown, could be a fun call-back. First the ref would be ready to call the match until her realized that the reeling superstar was still fully protected. HA! Fun anyway your strike it!

The Bludgeon Brother Stipulation

The Bludgeon Brothers prepare to use their mallets for something new?

I hope this one instantly paints a picture. As we know, the Bludgeon Brothers love to carry large mallets with them to the ring. These are very intimidating instruments, that if real, could do tremendous damage. Just ask Gallagher…well…not the little guy from 205 Live, this guy.

YIKES!

Continuing the nut punching theme, both participants will select a Bludgeon Brother…to…well, you know. CRUSH SOME NUTS!

I’m not sure of the middle game here. Should it work like an “I QUIT” match? Both guys take continuous shots from Rowan and Harper until they can’t take anymore. Maybe they get to use the Brothers like a table. First guy to land a nut shot with the hammers is the victor. Or it could work like a “Pole” match or a Kendo Stick match. Get the mallet from the end of pole and you have “first dibs” to use the mallet on your opponent.

This whole idea might be a bit barbaric, but I know I wouldn’t miss this match.

First to be Japanese Match

Nakamura gets the victory...very, very, quickly.

I don’t know if an official rule book exists for the WWE and all of their matches. I know there are guidelines for things like rope break, counting to 3 for pins, and always letting Roman Reigns win, but I’m not sure how specific a rule book (or the guidelines) would be on creating stipulations. That being said, why wouldn’t Nakamura (who has already punched a guy in the nuts to further the feud!!!!!!!) take full advantage of his power to create a stipulation.

This match would end quickly, but damn would it be hilarious to see AJ Styles in the ring, making his “You gotta be kiddin’ me, man” face. The ref rings the bell for the match to start and looks at both men…then calls for the bell again. Nakamura is your new WWE Champion!

The more I think about this the more I actually want the WWE to follow through. Have Nakamura do that because it fits his character right now. He’s definitely making a mockery out of wrestling fans and their inability to look past someone’s race, ethnic background, dialect, accent, gender, culture, sexual orientation…If you’re going to chant “what” during his promos, well then…I guess he forgot how to speak English. If you’re reading this and just now figuring out that is what Nakamura is doing…you might be part of the problem.

Okay…so Nakamura does this to keep giving the shitty fans (not all the fans, just the really dumb ones who chant “what” during a promo by a guy who wasn’t born in North America…assholes…) the middle finger. All the while, Shane McMahon or Paige waits on the sidelines to announce another title match, right after Nakamura wins the belt. If you hold this till the main event, fans will go berserk for two completely different reasons and intensities: Anger (before the new match is announced) and happiness (when the new match is created). Bottom line here: Nakamura builds his heelish persona to a whole new level and we’ll still get a great championship, wrestling match.

2-Count Pin fall

Nakamura putting down AJ Styles for the 2-second tan! YABADOO!

Nakamura has already established he can get meta and throw a little shade on the fans, himself, and remind us that he can hear the fans and is fully aware of the things going on around him. That being said, Nakamura has found this WWE Championship to be nearly impossible to get a hold of with all of these damn two counts and not being able to hold his competitor down for the 3 second tan.

So, in Nakamura’s new trolling persona, he decides that AJ won’t have the opportunity to kick out of the Kinshasa before the 3-count, because he won’t have enough time…BECAUSE IT’LL BE A 2 COUNT! One Kinshasa, Shinsuke goes for the pin: 1…2…wait, that’s it! New Champ!

Nakamura concedes that nothing he has done, to Jinder Mahal and now AJ Styles, has been strong enough to earn the WWE Championship and will now own the title in two-third the time! Joking aside…how cool would this actually be? I wrote this article to be satirical, but now I’ve got two ideas in a row that I could imagine being on actual WWE programming. That match would be so freaking exciting! There would be pins all over the mat. Nakamura and AJ wouldn’t even wait to hit their finishers. There would be roll-ups, pins after punches, high fying maneuvers to pins…just…absolute absurdity. It would turn into a real test of stamina and like something we’ve never seen.

Alright…I’m actually on board for these last two.

Shinsuke’s route to the WWE Championship has been a hard fought one. In the feuds he’s been involved with, it’s surprising he hasn’t at least had a one-night victory lap. While I did want this to be a fun look into the possibilities for owning the rights to putting a stipulation on a match, I think the WWE could actually make a couple of these work.

Look…I know these will never happen and I’m preparing to hear Nakamura say: Street Fight…or something dumber…But I’m ready for something new in my WWE programming and you should be too!

If you have any good Nakamura stipulation ideas, comment below and let us know!

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